My grandma just passed away today at around 1AM. She was 75. Around 1.15AM, my mum woke me up and told me the bad news. I sat on the bed for quite a while as it took some time for the message to sink in. Then, the inevitable rush of emotions came. She was gone, just like that. This post is dedicated to my dearest grandma.
Since I was young, she had always been the one taking care of me as both my parents were working. She single-handedly brought me and my brother up and took care of everything in the house. I still remembered she used to carry me around and bring me to the market in the morning. Those were my fondest memories of her. In short, she was more than just a grandmother to me. She was the closest person to me, but thinking back, I realised that I have never really cherished her. Now that she's gone, I'm starting to have regrets.
I still remember the days when I was in lower primary. I had to get up early to wait for the school bus and she was the one who woke up with me and accompanied me downstairs. She was also the one who taught me how to cycle, who bought me my first pair of rollerblades. Everytime I went home after school, she would be the first one I see at home. Every night, I would get to eat her home-cooked dishes. During special occasions, I would get to taste her superb home-made snacks, like pineapple tarts, dumplings, tangyuan etc. Now I have no chance of eating them again. I told her that I wanted to learn how to make those snacks from her, but I didn't make good my promise to her due to studies. Now I have lost the chance, forever.
Looking back, she has always been the one giving and I the one receiving. I failed to show her that I appreciated her and all that she has done. Instead, I took everything for granted. Yet, she has never stopped giving me her love and I know that she loved us dearly.
About 1 year ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. After chemotherapy, she amazingly recovered. It is remarkable as someone her age could still undergo the intensive treatment that leaves people weak and fragile. Somehow she pulled through. And naive me thought that everything was going to be fine, everything was back to normal. How wrong I was. Her cancer came back, more aggressive than ever. The doctor did not have much optimism, considering my grandma's age. However, my grandma still chose to undergo chemotherapy again, as she wanted to fight the cancer. After 2 rounds of chemotherapy, the doctor decided to stop the treatment as it was ineffective and doing more harm than good. The doctor gave her 1-3 months more to live.
On Monday, I visited her as my dad said that she was getting weaker and seemingly unable to hold out for long. True enough, she was gasping for breath even when she slept. It pained me to see her suffering like that. Somehow, she pulled through the night.
I didn't visit her on Tuesday and I really regret my decision. She passed away without me getting a chance to see her for the last time. It really makes me feel that I'm unfilial and useless that I didn't even see her before she passed away. I sure this will haunt me for the rest of my life. The signs were there. Even my mum could sense that the end was near, and yet I was oblivious to it all. I really hate myself for not realising that I was losing her and spend more time with her. I also hate myself for not saying the things I had deep inside me. Everytime I visited her, I didn't know what to say to her, even though I had many things that I wanted to tell her. But somehow, I couldn't do it.
I cried as I watched the casket carrying my grandma's body drive away, as I realised that I would never get to see her again. Due to financial constraints in my family, my mum decided to cremate my grandma tomorrow afternoon. That was my grandmother's wish too, as she knew that my family couldn't afford a grand wake.
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My mum told me that the reason why my grandma opted for chemotherapy again was to fight the cancer cells, so that she could have a few more years with us. Even at her deathbed, she was concerned about us and her biggest worry was still us. I cried when I heard this.
My grandmother is the bravest and the strongest person I have ever known. When she was undergoing chemotherapy, she did not complain of pain or had a fear of the many needles poking into her. If it was me, I guess I would not have the courage to bear with the pain. Moreover, I think that not many people at her age can fight off cancer as well as her. At age 74 when she was diagnosed with cancer, she somehow survived the odds and emerged victorious. However, I guess cancer isn't a very good loser. It came back again, fiercer than ever and robbed my grandma from me. But still, I respect my grandma for the fighter in her.
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The only thing that I feel is good is that she had passed away in her sleep, peacefully. At the very least, she is now free from her sufferings. I hate to see her suffer and I hate it even more when I can't do anything about it. It makes me feel so helpless.
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I realised that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I tried to control my emotions but I failed terribly. Tears kept flowing down my face and I couldn't do anything to stop them. Seeing my parents so composed even though they must be as affected as me makes me feel that I am nothing more than just a little kid.
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I find it a pity that my grandmother couldn't live to see me turn 18. Couldn't get to see me with my girlfriend. Couldn't get to see me come back from National Service, from boy to man. Couldn't get to see me graduate. Couldn't get to see me off on my first day to work. Life feels different without her. I am who I am now because of her.
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This shall be a tribute to my late grandmother, who passed away on 26/09/07 0115hr.
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Prelims are over and I've been making full use of these 3 short days to make up for what I couldn't do during the prelims period. Whats still lacking is a LAN session (Darren still needs to get thrashed by me in CS).
Well I walked around Marina Square and Orchard yesterday. Window-shopped all the way due to financial constraints. Ain't great when the last time I bought something was damn long ago. Really in need of some new clothes. Went to the airport at night to send Mr Tan off to Ireland. Made me think about how people walk in and out of people's life, just like that.
Soccer in the morning. Woke up damn early when I went to sleep damn late. Didn't get to play that much since it rained like free at around 10. Think I hurt my left ankle too. Whack too much balls liao so now must rest my poor leg.
I don't know why, but I have a short temper lately. I'm pissed at my mum for not giving me money to shop. I'm also pissed when she didn't even give me money to go out. What the hell am I supposed to eat when I don't have money? Even more pissed when the next day she changes her handphone. So much for having no money. Damn it.
//I realised that sometimes, letting go is much better
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It's the end of prelims today! A heavy load out of my mind. Anyway I think I did quite ok this time. At least better than JCTs I hope =)
I'm sunburnt! After 2 and a 1/2 hours of soccer under the hot sun lol. Been so long since I played soccer. Stamina drop like free, run abit tired already. After that went ClimbAsia and climbed abit. Dinner at Swensens', burnt a hole in my pockets but it was great chilling out there haha.
Hmm throughout the whole period of studying for prelims, I seriously wanted to slack, to play soccer, to go online and dota/cs! It was pure torture trying to suppress those urges. Somehow wanted everything to end =/
And I just received some bad news, though it was kind of anticipated. Leads me to wonder why the world is so unfair.
The state my family is in is really screwed. I don't even feel happy at home. I don't want to stay at home! But don't worry it's nothing serious.
*Shoot me, will ya?
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Avril Lavigne-When You're Gone
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
We were made for each other
Out here foreverI know we were
Yeah Yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
Mmm
And I just realised Im left with 7 days to prelims. Die!
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