My grandma just passed away today at around 1AM. She was 75. Around 1.15AM, my mum woke me up and told me the bad news. I sat on the bed for quite a while as it took some time for the message to sink in. Then, the inevitable rush of emotions came. She was gone, just like that. This post is dedicated to my dearest grandma.

Since I was young, she had always been the one taking care of me as both my parents were working. She single-handedly brought me and my brother up and took care of everything in the house. I still remembered she used to carry me around and bring me to the market in the morning. Those were my fondest memories of her. In short, she was more than just a grandmother to me. She was the closest person to me, but thinking back, I realised that I have never really cherished her. Now that she's gone, I'm starting to have regrets.

I still remember the days when I was in lower primary. I had to get up early to wait for the school bus and she was the one who woke up with me and accompanied me downstairs. She was also the one who taught me how to cycle, who bought me my first pair of rollerblades. Everytime I went home after school, she would be the first one I see at home. Every night, I would get to eat her home-cooked dishes. During special occasions, I would get to taste her superb home-made snacks, like pineapple tarts, dumplings, tangyuan etc. Now I have no chance of eating them again. I told her that I wanted to learn how to make those snacks from her, but I didn't make good my promise to her due to studies. Now I have lost the chance, forever.

Looking back, she has always been the one giving and I the one receiving. I failed to show her that I appreciated her and all that she has done. Instead, I took everything for granted. Yet, she has never stopped giving me her love and I know that she loved us dearly.

About 1 year ago, she was diagnosed with cancer. After chemotherapy, she amazingly recovered. It is remarkable as someone her age could still undergo the intensive treatment that leaves people weak and fragile. Somehow she pulled through. And naive me thought that everything was going to be fine, everything was back to normal. How wrong I was. Her cancer came back, more aggressive than ever. The doctor did not have much optimism, considering my grandma's age. However, my grandma still chose to undergo chemotherapy again, as she wanted to fight the cancer. After 2 rounds of chemotherapy, the doctor decided to stop the treatment as it was ineffective and doing more harm than good. The doctor gave her 1-3 months more to live.

On Monday, I visited her as my dad said that she was getting weaker and seemingly unable to hold out for long. True enough, she was gasping for breath even when she slept. It pained me to see her suffering like that. Somehow, she pulled through the night.

I didn't visit her on Tuesday and I really regret my decision. She passed away without me getting a chance to see her for the last time. It really makes me feel that I'm unfilial and useless that I didn't even see her before she passed away. I sure this will haunt me for the rest of my life. The signs were there. Even my mum could sense that the end was near, and yet I was oblivious to it all. I really hate myself for not realising that I was losing her and spend more time with her. I also hate myself for not saying the things I had deep inside me. Everytime I visited her, I didn't know what to say to her, even though I had many things that I wanted to tell her. But somehow, I couldn't do it.

I cried as I watched the casket carrying my grandma's body drive away, as I realised that I would never get to see her again. Due to financial constraints in my family, my mum decided to cremate my grandma tomorrow afternoon. That was my grandmother's wish too, as she knew that my family couldn't afford a grand wake.

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My mum told me that the reason why my grandma opted for chemotherapy again was to fight the cancer cells, so that she could have a few more years with us. Even at her deathbed, she was concerned about us and her biggest worry was still us. I cried when I heard this.

My grandmother is the bravest and the strongest person I have ever known. When she was undergoing chemotherapy, she did not complain of pain or had a fear of the many needles poking into her. If it was me, I guess I would not have the courage to bear with the pain. Moreover, I think that not many people at her age can fight off cancer as well as her. At age 74 when she was diagnosed with cancer, she somehow survived the odds and emerged victorious. However, I guess cancer isn't a very good loser. It came back again, fiercer than ever and robbed my grandma from me. But still, I respect my grandma for the fighter in her.

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The only thing that I feel is good is that she had passed away in her sleep, peacefully. At the very least, she is now free from her sufferings. I hate to see her suffer and I hate it even more when I can't do anything about it. It makes me feel so helpless.

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I realised that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I tried to control my emotions but I failed terribly. Tears kept flowing down my face and I couldn't do anything to stop them. Seeing my parents so composed even though they must be as affected as me makes me feel that I am nothing more than just a little kid.

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I find it a pity that my grandmother couldn't live to see me turn 18. Couldn't get to see me with my girlfriend. Couldn't get to see me come back from National Service, from boy to man. Couldn't get to see me graduate. Couldn't get to see me off on my first day to work. Life feels different without her. I am who I am now because of her.

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This shall be a tribute to my late grandmother, who passed away on 26/09/07 0115hr.